Headline gambit
You know, I spent a good while wondering why someone would headline with a seven-mile stretch of Warwickshire motorway until I realised #286 meant he was a male, aged 45. 6ft+ is, I’m guessing, six feet and a quarter of an inch tall, and is LDN someone trying to type LOL while wearing mittens? Oh, London. Sure.
#294 is terrified and would prefer not to be terrified alone. They say misery loves company — what does terror love? Hopefully it will be a 6ft+ dual two-lane motorway in human form!
Green shoots
Motorway Man is looking to restore his creativity and perhaps arts-loving, musical, bookish Terrified will be able to assist? Terrified’s stipulation of kindness and understanding of awkwardness might sit well with our post-therapy dude, so long as it wasn’t extreme assertiveness training from a man in a polo neck with a podcast. And if he’s athletic, that means he will have a BODY, and nothing extinguishes fear like a cuddle from a big hunk.
Red flags
Motorway Man has an “aversion to wafting perfume” and mentions pheromones “leading the way.” Paired with the knowledge he is athletic, it suggests this man pongs like unwashed gym kit and the elephant house at the zoo. Also… “betwixt” — unless you’re Shakespeare, W and time travelling to fulfil your dream of being hench to impress the fig-selling usherettes at the Globe Theatre, there’s no need for Elizabethan lingo. Terrified’s longing for quiet nights and a beautiful life sound like someone who doesn’t have a television and is keen to tell you why, constantly.
Best case scenario
They find a mutual understanding through self-sacrifice. He pretends to be thrilled when she books a musical recital featuring fifty children on recorders. During quiet nights she is enthralled by his big opinions on deodorant and the inner self.
Worst case scenario
Terrified realises she would rather be alone for ever than with someone who throws a tantrum when she dares a squirt of Anaïs Anaïs for a trip to the local pub. Motorway Man’s pheromones become so powerful that women and gay guys from the nearest PureGym are clawing at the couple’s windows day and night.
Match potential
A fragrant 4/10.
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 09, published in September 2026. It was published online on November 05, 2026.