The Myers Match: Issue 06
Headline gambit
“Strong hands” and “coffee mornings” — Member 234 looking to hire someone to help out at the community centre maybe? Trays of mugs filled to the brim with lava-hot Gold Blend can get pretty heavy, I imagine.
Member 239 offers no headline, perhaps in an effort to remain enigmatic, or avoid book-cover snap judgements? Everyone loves a man of mystery. Or maybe he forgot to fill that bit in.
Green shoots
A love of sunrises may not be niche, but a common interest before you’ve even met can make for a smooth takeoff. He’s big on truth, courage, and battling injustice — Superman is that you?!? — and she prioritises trust, intimacy, and tenderness. Yes, they sound like a self-help book by a married couple who talk loudly about foreplay and genital dryness at dinner parties, but they’re admirable traits all the same.
Red flags
She is looking for someone with a “life already fully lived,” and he’s after exploring galaxies — Superman, it IS you — climbing mountains, and skinny dipping with a Tolkien character before This Morning has even finished. Will she at least get a chance to finish that coffee and put her shoes on?
Also, a personal ick here: spooning. As a concept, fine, lying next to each other in quiet intimacy is chic — but the word is an emetic. It’s so… Instagram. Before you know it, you’re counting “sleeps” until your “holibobs” with “this one” and painting your entire house grey.
Best case scenario
Her sunrise coffees + his late afternoon tiramisu supply enough of an energy boost to fuel their galaxy explorations.
Worst case scenario
Juddering and frothing from a caffeine overdose and intergalactic jet lag, an afternoon of tenderness is delayed by wild-eyed arguments about who’s playing the big spoon. Then Lois Lane finds out about Goldberry and there’s hell to pay.
Match potential
9/10 – Barefoot sunrises and coffee adulation mean they’re destined to be that PDA-heavy couple who you always see frotting by the fennel in Tesco.
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 06, published in June 2026. It was published online on September 24, 2026.