The Myers Match: Issue 03

Headline gambit

We’ve been too burned by clickbait headlines and AI slop telling us the capital of France is celery to appreciate nuance, so Stargirl gets straight into it. “Double-door fridge” — alliterative, evocative, and despite the presence of a kitchen appliance, quite lusty. A quick translation could be: “CRUSH ME, MAN MOUNTAIN.”

Farmboy’s “co-pilot” is a tad confusing. Is he looking for someone to go crop-spraying with him? Perhaps “farmhand” would’ve been better? “Maid who won’t mind milking?” Sorry, I’m sliding into the gutter. I have an extreme allergy to “shenanigans,” the kind of word HR departments use when reprimanding staff for urinating into a chocolate fountain at the last corporate away day.

Green shoots

He’s a hench farmer who can probably lift ten cows at once — “double-door fridge” status confirmed. She might laugh at his dad jokes, and maybe the goats won’t be so stubborn once they realise the owner’s meat-avoiding girlfriend doesn’t want to manhandle their teats. Cheese-tasting nights are bound to ignite a humdinger of a row, so the making-up sex (loud, in a field, sheep covering their eyes) will be grade-A quality.

Red flags

I suppose we should address the elephant in the room: Why the hell would I match a sober vegan with a (possibly) lamb-killing farmer whose blood may well be 35 per cent cider? Because I like a challenge? Perhaps I see life as one great sadistic sitcom invented to entertain me and me alone? Or maybe “enemies to lovers” rom-coms have corrupted my brain and I believe all bitter adversaries are destined to be together for ever, frotting in anonymous hotel rooms — or cavorting on dairy farms? All of the above!

Best case scenario

Stargirl’s big doe eyes convince Farmboy to reinvent the farm as an animal sanctuary, and his meaty arms persuade her to relax her veganism a little to embrace the cheese, and they live happily ever after with their goats.

Worst case scenario

Farmboy gets tired of Quorn and slips beef stock into Stargirl’s risotto, so she releases all his animals and drives a tractor over his stores of artisanal cheese. He tells her she’s the one cow he won’t be whispering to any more.

Match potential

Let’s be real here, it’s a 2/10 — but at least I had fun.

Need more Justin?

Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.

This article originally appeared in Issue 03, published in March 2026. It was published online on May 14, 2026.