Headline gambit
#258 a siren, no less! Hopefully more the sultry seductress kind than air raid ambulance, or the karaoke-loving folklore ones who drown sailors.
#260 keeping in his English teacher’s good books with the rule of three — but losing them again for lack of Oxford comma. As for the alliteration… spoiler: There’s much more to come.
Green shoots
They clearly both love the letter S, grammatical trios, and snubbing serial commas. The pair of them must’ve been up all night throttling their thesaurus for thrilling theme-friendly adjectives. (See? I can do it too.) Plus, the Siren’s heading for sixty, and Sporty’s searching for “a sixties girl!” Let’s hope he means in age and not one who still votes for Alec Douglas-Home, irons her hair, and beats children.
Red flags
All those S-words. Imagine the hissing. Spittle flying. They’ll be for ever wiping their faces on napkins. Perhaps they could try a different letter every week. Could get some nice peaceful evenings when they finally get round to X and Z. I wonder if that’s a typo and he means “living is vanilla unless it’s a CHER.” I mean… agreed, but disappointment awaits, unless the legend herself has been writing in (and fibbing about her age).
Best case scenario
He matches up to her stringent, sibilant adjectival criteria and they see sunrises and sunsets side-by-side for centuries to come.
Worst case scenario
The synonym stocks shrivel up and they start slinging sickening slurs at each other. S is for snake, after all. And shit. And Simon Cowell.
Match potential
Staying on theme: 6/6.
These significant others seem certain to make their sixties swing.
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 07, published in July 2026. It was published online on November 05, 2026.