Headline gambit
Hmmm, things you’d rather not hear from a near-stranger in the dating arena: “Talk dirty to me.” “Send me your best pickup line.” “Can you take another one? With better lighting? Both balls visible in shot, if possible?”
THIS IS SERIOUS. Ooh, caps engaged here too. It must be serious! Or maybe #277 was using speech-to-text and had just been asked by a passing friend for her favourite lyric from Celine Dion’s seminal ’90s banger, “Think Twice”. Let’s never find out.
Green shoots
Pickup Line is between 30 and 45. Celine Fan (gender unspecified) is over 25. As requested. You want more? Errr, okay. Celine wants “real, true, soul-destroying, underfloor-heating, badger-baiting” love or something, while Pickup is sick of being the last albondiga on the sharing platter, the awkward fourth who always stands at the end of the bed smoking while a threesome writhes in ecstasy on the duvet before him. So, there’s a chance of commitment, at least. And he starts his ad with a capital M, which will please upper-case enthusiast Celine no end.
Red flags
Celine’s stipulations include no 9–5 job and no five-year plan, so she’s looking for… someone on a zero-hours contract with a terminal diagnosis, perhaps? Pickup, who’s willing —stand by for this once-in-a-generation humanitarian act — to delete some apps, may be seeking more stability. Also, I imagine someone asking for the literal equivalent of photocopying your tits at an all-staff barbecue wouldn’t be able to sit through a whole BC Camplight gig.
Best case scenario
He goes freelance; she joins Feeld so someone else can be the third when they inevitably decide to open things up.
Worst case scenario
Celine’s quest for a love that ‘need no food or water’ comes true, because nobody’s got a job or ever pays the utility bills. He deletes the apps, but finds love elsewhere, on Deliveroo.
Match potential
5/10. Look, I sometimes choose chaos, and that’s because chaos is absolutely fine when it’s happening to someone else.
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 08, published in August 2026. It was published online on November 05, 2026.