The Myers Match: Issue 05
Headline gambit
Headline gambit Brave of the tea drinker, perhaps, to announce a maturity issue in his headline, but, look, we’ve all met men. It’s hardly going to come as a great shock to anyone who’s been outside in the last forever. You can feel the “so done” energy radiating from Member 213’s headline. It’s the world-weary, long pull on a cocktail cigarette of a lounge singer who can play the piano with their eyes closed and has just taken their seventh request of the evening from a drunk divorcé for “The Way We Were.”
Green shoots
Green shoots Mr Tea and Club Lonely both sound like the kind of people who would refuse to wear a band T-shirt unless they’d at least played all their albums once through. Club Lonely is looking to chase freedom and connection, Mr Tea wants cosmic adventures, so taking mushrooms may feature heavily in their first month of dating.
Red flags
I’m always wary of making hot beverages your personality. If drinking tea is your headline, what other rather mediocre favoured pastimes await? Going to the car wash? Bleaching the grouting in your bathroom? Club Lonely wants loud nights and electric energy, which rather suggests more “I use absinthe as mouthwash” than “two cups of tea and an Eccles cake before the gig.”
Best case scenario
Mr Tea turns out to be a thrash guitarist and pulls all-nighters thanks to plunging five teabags in each of his 20 daily cuppas. Club Lonely manages to “build something real beyond the stage” by constructing several IKEA wall units to hold Mr Tea’s records (and mugs).
Worst case scenario
Mr Tea is a kazoo player and all his records are Mumford & Sons. The only “electric energy” Club Lonely gets from the relationship sits in the bedside drawer until Mr Tea goes out to buy another crate of PG Tips.
Match potential
8/10 – As Shakespeare probably would have said if Madonna hadn’t, “music makes the people come together.”
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 05, published in April 2026. It was published online on August 19, 2026.