The Myers Match: Issue 04
Headline gambit
Doors. They can be sexy, right? You could spin a few double entendres out of them. They open wide once you stick your key in, have a slot for (small) packages and, of course, doors are famous for their knockers. I think my IQ just plunged to “breakfast TV presenter” levels after typing that. Sorry.
Member 181 is what people whose cultural references are fresh as the strawberry Yogz that’s been lurking in my fridge since Jason left Take That like to call a “Ronseal.” He does exactly what he says on the tin. He’s male, he’s 42, he lives in Bristol. I’m willing to bet all his socks are black. You can like it or lump it.
Green shoots
So, Diana Doors (another ancient reference) works in the media and Male, 42, fixes things — what, we may never know. It’s a perfect 90s festive rom-com pairing — never too early! Glambitious city gal, exhausted by the pressures of carrying a clipboard all day and always forgetting her lanyard when she goes to the toilet, heads to Bristol for some R&R. She meets a laidback Leonardo DiCaprio lookalike, a brooding soul who fixes… dunno, orphans’ toys, or pensioners’ leaky taps or something. Diana realises there is more to life than the cocaine blizzard of a busy newsroom/late-night shopping channel, and Male 42 woos her with his stew and vague promises about “always supporting her career.”
Red flags
“You might know my face” — is this a famous person? How famous? “Allowed to smoke in limos” famous, or “I’ve teamed up with Shein to offer 25% off these snake-effect jeggings in the TikTok shop” famous?
Male 42’s “inanimate objects” companions — what are they? Screwdrivers? Microwaves? CPR training dummies? Corpses?
Best case scenario
Diana and Male 42 spend the rest of their lives eating stew and mostly living small and steady. He joins her on the red carpet once a month. She works remotely and pretends her computer breaks down weekly so he has something to do.
Worst case scenario
Cocaine blizzard, the inanimate objects start talking back.
Match potential
7/10 — I believe in magic! And miracles! And the reality show they can pitch to ITV2
Need more Justin?
Read his column Impeccable Table Manners at theguyliner.com, and pick up his latest book, The Glorious Dead, available from all good bookshops, especially your local independent.
This column originally appeared in Issue 04, published in April 2026. It was published online on June 17, 2026.